Bedtime Stories 1 – Mr Donald Crump


Hi. It’s Robert here! And here’s one of our more regular features on LoE – Bedtime Stories!

Once upon a time, there was a strange man called Donald Crump. Now, Donald Crump was a very rude fellow, and he liked the sound of his own voice very very much.

“My hair is fine!” he’d bellow, as his employees tried to shackle down his huge thatch of straw-coloured hair. Every time he roared, little baby birds would tumble from his bizarre hairdo, and his whole mansion would fill with the most silly noises.

“Hm! I quite like the sound of that!” he’d roar, after hearing himself speak. “I’m a very very impressive speaker. The best. I think I’ll do that again!”

And then, this very strange Mr Crump would bellow “My hair is fine! My hair is fine!” over and over again.

Donald Crump was a very rich man, and so he decided to stage an enormous theatre show called “My Hair Is Fine: The Musical”. He made himself the only performer, and expected the show to be a great smash. And yes, the reviews were wonderful (he’d bought all the critics some wonderful prezzies). But Crump was very frustrated with the show.

“What point is there in doing a show about me, starring me, if I can’t watch it?” he’d moan. He’d tried everything. He put a full length mirror in every seat, but it was too bright on-stage for him to be able to see his reflection properly. He’d hired some Crump lookalikes to sit in the audience, but none of them were handsome or rich enough, and they all had such ridiculous hair!

“When I’m on stage, I can’t be in the audience, and when I’m in the audience I can’t be on the stage!” he’d splutter, squirrels tumbling from his barnet.

It all came to a head on the last show of the run. Donald Crump was onstage singing “I Can’t Watch Myself Sing”, when he got trapped in an infinite loop.

When singing the line “When I’m on stage, I can’t be in the audience, and when I’m in the audience I can’t be on the stage!”, he thought to himself “I like the sound of that!” and sang it again.

And again. And again. And he never stopped singing it. It was Crump’s own theatre, so only he had the power to shut the show down. All the electricity running into the building was owned by Crump too, so it never ever got cut off.

He sang and sang and sang, for years and years and years, with less and less people listening. Even the little birds and squirrels moved out of his hair.

But he really did like the sound of it. He really did. And who was going to argue with him? There wasn’t anyone there.

This week there was a very important debate between two very important people in the United States. Find out about it!

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