Hey kids. It’s Rab here. And this is my new regular gaming column called “Daddy, Champion of the Games”. The daddy in question is, of course, me. And the games I am the champion of are, of course, all the games.
In this column, on my daughter’s fantastic website, I will no longer be hiding my glorious light under any bushels. I’ll be honest – I don’t even know what a bushel is. There was a guy on the telly when I was younger called Garry Bushell, but I don’t think it was him my light was under. He was an awful man, if I remember correctly. I am very old.
But yes – it’s time for me to reclaim my throne, as the UK’s most prominent/annoying game pundit. My CV is second to none. I practically invented YouTube with my old video game show Consolevania, and then perfected the form with a show called videoGaiden on the BBC – a show that soon became the LONGEST RUNNING BRITISH VIDEOGAME SHOW OF ALL TIME.
My games writing, on websites like Eurogamer and Rock, Paper, Shotgun, shook the foundations of the gaming world to such an extent that earthquakes are now measured on the Florence Wrichter Scale. (Wrichter is how we say “writer” in Scotland.) When I wrote that Demon’s Souls would change the course of video game history, way before anybody else had even heard of the game, many mocked me. When I predicted a board gaming boom that would lead to Wesley Crusher being given about ten million quid to make a show about his pals playing Settlers of Catan, millions scoffed. But I was right.
This column, written mainly to impress my daughter, is for all ages. It is for other parents, other mothers and fathers, other gamers who have no children, and even people who don’t play games and don’t have kids – people who have time to do stuff.
I think it is crucial that this column is read to children, if they are not of reading age. The stories and opinions that will be shared by Daddy, Champion of the Games are sure to prepare children for a satisfying and leisurely life. I will be the VR Helmet-clad torch-bearer who will lead your child into the new gaming age. I will nourish them at my digital breast as if they were my own.
We remain in a gaming golden age. Video games are now so good that we have to decide between brilliant things, when we used to face a choice between rubbish or rubbish with better graphics. Board games are now fantastic, and not just something we have to endure at family gatherings. There is so much stuff to talk about, and over the months and years ahead, I will talk about that stuff at great length.
So go – spread the word that The Champion of the Games is back.
Daddy is back and everything is going to be okay.
THE NINTENDO MINI
When the Nintendo Mini was announced, I pre-ordered it right away. I want to make that very clear, because when Nintendo UK retweeted the image at the top of this column, I was instantly hammered by jealous rascals who were bitter about the fact that I had a Mini already.
Hey, Sherlock – Nintendo always launch with short stock! Where have you been, ya dafty?
Of course, there might have been a lot of people who initially didn’t fancy the Mini. At first glance, it looked like Nintendo was releasing one of those horrible cheapie ten-games-in-a-box electronic devices that you might buy from a stall at a dodgy market. But look closer and engage your actual brain and you realise that the NES Mini is actually a cute-as-hell dream box stuffed full of some of the best games ever made.
The thing comes with one controller, and you can take it from this ancient old daddy that it feels exactly like the NES controllers from back in the day. Then you just plug an HDMI cable into the little cutie, stuff the other end into the back of the telly, and you’re back in 1985 in more than just a global-political sense.
My young editor and I are going to be recording a few things about the Mini, so I won’t elaborate too much about individual games here, but I will tell you that the Mini should join the PSVR on the list of things you want this Christmas.
It is a beautiful little time machine about the same size as a sparrow, and it flies on wings of pure videogame magic. It’ll be really funny if you don’t manage to find one.
See you next week!
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